Funny Language Errors

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0><script type="text/javascript" src="http://hb.lycos.com/hb.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://ratings.lycos.com/ratings/lycosRating.js.php"></script> <script type="text/javascript"><![CDATA[//><!]]></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://scripts.lycos.com/catman/init.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://members.tripod.com/adm/ad/code-start.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://members.tripod.com/adm/ad/code-middle.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://members.tripod.com/adm/ad/code-end.js"></script> <noscript> <img src="http://members.tripod.com/adm/img/common/ot_noscript.gif?rand=92393" alt="" width="1" height="1" />  <iframe frameborder="0" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" width="728" height="90" src="http://ad.yieldmanager.com/st?ad_type=iframe&ad_size=728x90&section=209094"></iframe>  </noscript> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0><tr> <td valign="top" colspan=2 height=100 BGCOLOR="#CCCCFF" TEXT="#080000" bgproperties="fixed" background="31800640egdysm.jpg"> <div> <FONT SIZE="6" COLOR="#000099" FACE="Arial" ><B>The Message </b></FONT><B>   |     </b><A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="The Message"><U><B>home</b></U></A></div> <bR> <div> </div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" width=150 BGCOLOR="#0000BF" TEXT="#F7F7FF"> <div> <B>This is a fun way to start a class on verbal communication.</b></div> <div> <B>I usually read these at the start of class to build excitement about the upcoming topic .</b></div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B><IMG SRC="10190c20.gif" border=0 width="144" height="194" ALT="Metafile Companion Picture (32-bit)" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></b></div> </td> <td valign="top" height=380 BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <I>Funny Language Errors</I></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B><U>True Insurance Statements</U></b></div> <bR> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">I thought my window was down but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in -law, and headed over the embankment.</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I hit the pedestrian.</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck  him. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.</div> <bR> <div> <B><U>Actual Church Bulletins</U></b></div> <bR> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Don't let worry kill you--let the church help.</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">For those who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">This afternoon will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church.  Children will be baptized at both ends. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social.  All ladies giving milk will please come early.  </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Thursday at 5 PM, there will be a meeting of the little Mother's club.  All ladies wishing to be "little mothers" will meet with the pastor in his study.</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">The ladies have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement on Saturday.  </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be, "What is Hell?"  Come early and listen to the choir practice. </div> <bR> <div> <B><U>Student Bloopers </U></b></div> <div> from Verbatim Spring 1987</div> <bR> <bR> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Without Greeks we wouldn't have history.</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">A myth is a female moth</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Socrates died form an overdose of wedlock</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">The renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being.</div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Martin Luther was  nailed to the door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death being excommunicated by a bull. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">In one of Shakespeare's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy.  </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood.  </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">During the Renaissance American Began. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Later the Pilgrims crossed the ocean and this was known as Pilgrim's Progress. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the selttlers.  Many people died and dies and many babies were born.  John Smith was responsible for all of this. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Under the constitution, the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.  The believed assassinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor.  This ruined Booth's career. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.  Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf.  He was so deaf, he wrote loud music.  He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him.  Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. </div> <div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="Symb075c00b700f000000000.gif" HEIGHT="16" WIDTH="24" ALIGN="bottom" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0">During the Napoleon Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes.  Napoleon became very ill  with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained.  He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children.  </div> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>